


Restless

by SgtPepper007



Series: EXO Oneshots [6]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Idols, Psychological, emotional breakdown, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 02:44:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20250868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SgtPepper007/pseuds/SgtPepper007
Summary: EXO's much awaited and rushed comeback is approaching too quickly and Junmyeon can't handle the pressure anymore.





	Restless

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot was inspired during the supposedly "drought" EXO faced before Tempo was released. It was some kind of way for me to criticize this whole idea of EXO not providing content while it was absolutely false in my opinion, and facts. I also took advantage of Junmyeon being the leader to shoot a bit of a leader's struggle in the merciless Kpop industry. Basically; this oneshot is a critique inspired by my personal thoughts and feelings towards too many maddening things. Some people might say that I went overboard and overdid a couple of things, but I was seriously revolted when I wrote it. I hope it can give light to a few people and question the industry, as well as be more aware of what being a leader implies. All the informations are from interviews I read over the years, I apologise for the lack of links provided to assist my points.

“So, do you have anything to add, Junmyeon?”

The said man looked at the chairman sitting right in front of him and blinked his eyes in an attempt to get rid of the weight urging his eyelids to close. “No, it’s alright. Thank you.”

While tidying up his desk, the older man looked sternly at the leader and concluded their meeting. “Good. If that’s the case, you can leave now. Make sure to tell the other members what we talked about. Everything must go smoothly and according to plan.” 

Junmyeon politely smiled and got up from his seat, his whole body stiff from the groups’ overly loaded schedules. Just thinking about the laborious discussion he would have to impose on his members made his body feel heavier. When he reached the doorstep and was about to turn the handle, the chairman cleared his throat, making the leader turn around and face him one last time. “I hope that everything will be done by next week. You know what I mean, right? We wasted too much time already.”

“Yes, you can count on me, sir.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way. See you later, Junmyeon.” The man bowed and thanked him before fleeing away from the chairman’s office. Dragging his body towards the practice room where the other members were, the idol took a shortcut and entered the men’s toilets. As soon as he entered, he went straight into a cabin, locked it and slid downwards, his back in contact with the cold door as his body touched the tiles. He rubbed his eyes for a few seconds and tilted his head upwards, his exhaustion not going away no matter how much he fought against it.

The day was going to be long; it was only nine o’clock in the morning and he already had bad news to announce, thanks to his role as the team’s representative. He was not looking forward talking to his members about the chairman’s decision concerning their comeback and he certainly wasn’t looking forward their recording sessions either.

A couple of months ago, when the concept and the songs were revealed to the members, they were surprised; none of them were expecting the company to go for the kind of concept presented and to say that they were disappointed would be an understatement. While most of the members were having more freedom as well as a variety of opportunities for their individual projects, they felt constricted by the company’s ideas for their group. It also felt unnatural for them to go for a sound they didn’t like. They had felt that way a few times since they debuted, but it was getting better until this new concept was announced. And the worst was that their point of views were far from being welcomed.

The members were all stressed out and weren’t motivated at all to practice for songs they disliked. Junmyeon tried a couple of times to gather them together in order to raise their mood and to change the tense atmosphere that was reining their dorm and practice studios, but it was to no avail. They also already discussed about the issue of releasing an album they felt no connection with, and the leader tried to express their opinion to the chairman, like he just did, but the results were always the same; a failure.

Recalling the painful past months, Junmyeon covered his eyes with his shaking hands and let his tears set free. He had been restraining them for too long and he couldn’t ignore their aching feeling haunting him day and night anymore. The more the hot tears made their way down on his cheeks, the more his sobbing intensified. Soon enough, his cries were echoing uncontrollably in the men’s toilets, restraint far gone as well as self control.

It was too much for him to handle, too much to deal with; the album that had to be recorded from scratch a few times because the final results were never satisfying, both in Korean and Mandarin, the songs all the members loathed, the concept that didn’t match their identity as not only individual members, but also as a group, the fans assaulting them with messages that urged them to release new content as a whole as soon as possible, a mass of people leaving them behind because of the lack of a comeback. They were having enough of all their pressure; he was having enough of it.

No matter how many times Junmyeon, as well as the other members, asked the hungry fans to wait and to be patient, nothing could ease them. No matter how many times he tried to make the members feel better, to comfort them and to encourage them, he always felt like his actions were meaningless. Because how could he support his friends while he was the first one to be upset? How could he soothe them when he couldn’t believe in the words coming out of his own mouth? How could he ask them not to give up when he was only a step away from completely breaking down?

As Junmyeon was trying to regulate his breathing, he heard the door opening, making him stop any whimpers that could come out of him. Some footsteps were getting closer to his cabin until the door next to him closed, the sound of urinating invading the room. The leader started to be nervous, his heart clenching and his body rigid. He was shaking from head to toes and his mouth was trembling from the uncontrollable sobs he was letting accumulate inside of him. There was no way that someone could hear him cry or even know that he was there. He had to be as discreet as possible; nobody could witness him at the peak of his vulnerability. It took a few long minutes before the unknown man at the next cabin exited the toilets, making the leader breathe again, hiccups set loose. It reminded him of the times he was alone at the dorm and panicked every time he heard a sound echoing in the empty home. He couldn't let the other members know that he was crying. Because he had to be perfect.

But what is the meaning of perfect? Making the fans happy in spite of them being buried under piles of schedules and stress? Following what the chairman decides without talking back? Doing as expected? Putting his own needs aside? Was it selfish to think about himself when he had the responsibility of taking care of his members? Of the whole group? He didn't know anymore. His reflex of thinking about these issues and expressing his own thoughts were long gone. He wasn't sure of who he was anymore.

But then, he remembered that the members were waiting for him. He had their future in his hands and a role he couldn't ignore. He couldn't afford to break down or to let all those unanswered questions torment him. So he did as usual, a habit he acquired ever since he debuted; pushing his thoughts away and fulfilling his duty as a leader. There wasn't any other option anyway.

The man regained his senses, wiping his stray tears with the lingering feeling of his heart beating loudly in his chest. He couldn’t stay in the toilet and cry for longer; he had to be strong for his team, for his fans. The group was a priority and he had to make sure that the spirit of the team was great, no matter how awful their situation was. They had been through a lot; they could deal with an unsatisfying and rushed comeback.

Right?

One could say that releasing an album after a year can't be considered as rushed, but in their case, it was. Not only because of Minseok, Jongdae and Baekhyun's constant unit activities, but also the members' solo schedules and all the failed attempts at learning the difficult songs, as well as their choreographies. Junmyeon couldn't even remember the last time he had a vacation or a few days straight of break.

Junmyeon sighed and let his head rest on the door behind him. As the remaining tears kept sliding down on his face, he reflected about himself. He knew that he had the habit of making his members a priority. He had always fulfilled his role as a leader with the sole purpose of making them happy and creating a sense of warmth and unity, to his own well being’s omission. He was starting to feel like he put too much pressure on himself. Not everything was due to external factors; he was also at fault for feeling so worn out.

He envied his fellow members a lot. While he had to deal with being a bridge connecting the group to the company, he also had to represent their image, to make their acceptance speeches, to initiate all the uncomfortable and tensed conversions between his friends as well as the staff that dictated their musical directions and concepts. And there was so much more. But his friends didn’t have to deal with all of this. They did not share the same burden. And he envied them for not having to bear the weight of all these responsibilities on their shoulders.

When Junmyeon entered the entertainment world, he wasn’t fully aware of everything that came with the role of being an idol and certainly what being a leader implied, especially when the company didn’t leave them much freedom. Would he have taken the same decisions with all his current knowledge? He wasn’t sure. But at that moment, it was weighing on the negative answer.

After finally calming down, the man wiped his last tears and exited the cabin. Getting up was painful, his bones making cracking sounds and hurting because of the uncomfortable position he was in on the hard tiles. When he stood in front of the mirror, he gaped at his sight; bags under his puffy red eyes, his slim face due to his diet, his mouth slightly trembling and curved downwards. He looked like a huge mess.

He decided to take a few more minutes before joining his members. He carefully washed his face and stayed in the toilets for a while, trying to shut down the countless previous thoughts in order not to ruin his mood again. When he thought that he looked a little bit better, which wouldn’t matter since all the members looked as bad as him anyway, he finally decided to exit the room and headed towards the studios. He hated this part of his duties as a leader, but he had to announce the news to the group. He couldn’t avoid it. When he reached the studio the members were practicing in, he knocked twice and slowly opened the door, preparing himself to face his members once again. He would never get used to it regardless of the many years he did it. The other men all stopped what they were doing and directed their attention to their leader. They could tell from Junmyeon's expression that what they feared was confirmed.

As the leader closed the door and got closer to them, he wondered how he would announce them that their remaining five tracks had to be completed by the end of the week, in the two languages, as well as their music video and individual trailers. He wondered how he would tell them that the official teaser and the album cover had to be released the following week and that their comeback was going to be sooner than they wished. 

He had to tell them that the past months spent working without a break on their album they were not satisfied with and that was imposed to them had to be rushed, even if each one of the members were far from being in condition to manage dealing with the promotions and schedules that comes with releasing an album. He had to tell them that once again, their opinion wasn't taken into consideration and that they had no time to lose since the fans were losing patience, as well as the company.

Junmyeon took a deep breath and seriously looked at his friends.

It was now or never.


End file.
